Deviant Advice

“Dear DeviantAdvice.com
So my husband and I are divorcing. Actually, I’m pretty happy about it. What I’m not happy about is that now he’s shacked up with some 20-year old idiot and somehow thinks that automatically makes him the best parent. You guessed it, he’s suing for full custody. Now, I work hard to take care of my kids and they never go without anything. They’re healthy and happy and absolutely love being with Mom. However, I am worried about what the dumbass ex is going to do. So please, DeviantAdvice.com, help a Mommie out!”

- LF, Fort Wayne

Well LM, custody battles are always hard and there’s rarely ever a clean/happy ending to these situations. So you’ve got to ensure that you put your best foot forward and by that, I mean destroy him. It’s not enough to just “win,” you have to crush your ex’ very will to live.

The first thing you want to do is to ensure that your relationship with your kids remains strong. Be kind to them, treat them with love and respect, and bribe the SHIT out of them. Sure, it’s a somewhat dirty and potentially uneccesary tactic, but you’re a fool if you think he’s not doing the EXACT SAME THING. So you’ve got to outdo him. I don’t mean you just have to do a bit better, I mean you have to ensure that anything he does, you do at least twice as good on. He gets the kiddos some new toys, you get them cooler toys. He decides that to hire a clown for the birthday party, you see if Cirque du Soleil is in town. Buying your childrens’ loyalty may leave a bad taste in your mouth, but it helps to guarantee that you come out ahead.
Step two is to never bad-mouth Daddy. Since he’s already hooked up with someone who may be entirely too stupid to see the full situation here (is she pregnant yet? cause something tells me..), it’s clear that his ability to make rational decisions is pretty much at 0. Add to it that he’s instigating a full-on custody battle and that pretty much means he spends lots of time talking about Mommy and how evil she is. So sure, you’re probably tempted to fight fire with fire, but don’t. Go the exact opposite, compliment Daddy. Talk about how nice it is for him to help this little girl out. Let the kids know that they should tell their “new” Mommy that she’s nice like you are. “Kill em with kindness” is not just some outdated customer-service mantra, it’s one of the most effective strategies in any legal battle. Plus you also have to bear in mind that, at the least, he’ll get visitation of some sort, so your kids need to be at peace with the person they’ll spend some chunk of time around.

Of course, you have to ensure that all the work you’ve done up to now sticks. So start making sure that you bring people to any court proceedings. Nothing confers superiority more than an entourage. It’s likely he’s going to bring just his lawyer to the festivities and this nitwit he’s dating. So you have to go a bit better than that. Family and friends are critical here, but do try to keep the number low and also try to ensure that they wait OUTside of the courtroom. After all, it proves that you have a support network in place, but don’t really need them (per se). It’s a massive psychological tool and you should maximize it’s overall effectiveness. Also make sure that your people show up appropriately dressed, but slightly down. That means something along the lines of “business casual.” After all, you want your squad to look like an effective unit. Plus it shows you’re a people person and have the aforementioned “Support Network” in place and judges eat that shit up with a spoon, especially in custody cases.

Last and certainly NOT least, just be the better parent in general. No matter what happens, just keep an even keel and don’t let your retard of an ex visibly ruffle your feathers. If the kids ask what’s going on, explain it in simple terms. Resist the urge to explain it as “Daddy has his head up his ass” as the kids likely won’t understand this concept anyways. And if you at all qualify for MILF status, use that to your advantage too. Start off by sending us some pics here. We’re bored and lonely (don’t you all have 35 articles in the queue? -ed) and need, uh, “inspiration.” Yeah, that’s it.. inspire us!