Deviant Advice

“This one’s GOTTA be a job for DeviantAdvice!

So there’s this girl I work with who I’m gettin some serious feelings for. She’s cute, but we don’t really talk much and that bugs me because she totally sets off my radar. You know what I’m talking about here. She’s gotta be a freak, or something. Yeah yeah yeah, I know that we work together and I should probably lay off shopping at the company store, but this is driving me nuts. I gotta know, but I dunno how to bring this up to her. I can’t just flop down a carrot and a doughnut and see which one she goes for first, you know? So let’s get some Deviant perspective on this eh?”

-JR, Bridgeport

Alrighty JR. Honestly, we absolutely LOVE topics like this. You see, here at DeviantAdvice, a job qualification is good FreakDar (you know, Freaky Radar). In order to be part of our staff, you gotta be able to spot your fellow deviants out in a crowd (or the occasional police lineup -ed). So refining this skill is an absolute necessity. And bear in mind, it is a skill. This isn’t a gift or some magical power bestowed upon you, it’s a skill that even the most wayward jackass can learn. And here we go…

Step 1) Pay attention. Do you sit by her? If so, then you can eavesdrop a bit and get an idea of what you’re looking to know. Don’t be obvious about it, of course, but at least put some effort towards keeping one ear towards her side of the playing field. And “pay attention” means to pay CAREFUL attention. You have to learn how to get down every detail. That leads us right into step 2.

Step 2) Take notes. No, Poindexter, don’t keep one of those little notebooks handy. You’re lookin to bang a coworker, not solve a mystery here. Plus it’s going to be pretty obvious when she notices this pad of paper coming out at random moments. So go with Plan B and use your computer. If on Windows, fire up Notepad or else keep the occasional tab in Outlook. There’s lots of ways to gather info and store it, you just have to be discrete. If you lack this ability, then you sure as shit better have a good memory. And sure, some folks will say this is stalker-like behavior, but to hell with them. They aren’t trying to score a piece of fellow corporate ass… or maybe they’ve already tried and failed.

Step 3) Organize. All of your information is pointless if it’s just a massive jumble of crap. Sort your information into something meaningful because you, my friend, need a plan.

Step 4) Plan and Execute. So you’ve got your information and you think you know what’s up. Now’s the time to start moving things from theory to -if you’re damn lucky- practice. The reason you want to plan a lot is you want this to be smooth. You can’t just drop in out of nowhere with “you know, I read this GREAT article about butt-sex” (they aren’t all pimping for you -ed), you have to work up to it. You need to start small, just ask about their day-to-day life and try to steer the conversation in the direction of where you want to go. Wanna know if she’s dating? Then listen for “we” type statements. Or if she mentions going out to do stuff, try to say “oh, you and your ?” Of course, you’re writing in to ask how to figure out she’s a freak. Well, if she is, she’s going to talk about it. Maybe not right up front, but she’s going to mention it and it’s highly likely that she’s just waiting for you to open that door. So fucking OPEN it.. but slowly. Start off with something like “I bet you have some crazy stories to tell,” or else “I bet you’re an adventurous type, aren’t you?” Take it slow and small and let her set the pace and tone. That all leads to…

Step 5) Seal the Deal. Once you’ve got her opening up and her freakiness confirmed, all bets are off and you’re free to kick it into high gear. As long as you’ve followed steps 1 through 4, step 5 should pretty much take care of itself. You can thank us in the morning, after breakfast and the post-breakfast freak-fest.

(If all else fails a rooficolada and an empty supply closet can work wonders. Like granddad said “No just means you need to give her something stronger to drink” – Mak)