Deviant Advice

“Dear Deviant Advice…
I tend to go with ’serious relationships’ and leave out the ‘casual relationships’ and ‘one-night-stands’.. am i wrong or is it my business until i feel comfortable to disclose any more? I mean, really it isn’t sex if you don’t come, right?…. right?….. Not good!”

- AG, Detroit

Wow NK, sounds like you got a lot goin on over there. Anything that you’re thinkin about keeping secret? Anything you want to divulge? No? Alrighty, we’ll let it go for now and get on to the advice… but we’re here if you ever wanna share. After all, work sucks (you work? -ed).

So here’s the deal. Lie. And I mean LIE. Lie like you were just caught in a murder. Lie lie lie. Know why? Because we sure as shit know you can’t handle the truth when it goes the opposite way. The split second she opens her mouth and admits to sucking 37 dicks, then your head is going to explode. So yeah, you may as well just try to keep your tally down. Besides, there’s other reasons for it.

Relationships are complex things. They are delicate, fragile, and survive almost entirely on a series of lies. At first it’s little lies (“no, those pants look great”) and then it escalates a little (“no really, I’d love to spend the weekend with your family instead of my friends”). Then it just goes out-of-control and you start telling outrageous lies because you’re in too deep anyways (“I take thee to be my lawfully wedded wife…”). The earlier you realize that, the better your relationship is going to be. Of course, lies aren’t just in what you say, it’s also in what you don’t say. Keeping your mouth shut is also a lie. So while you might have some insane fantasy in your head about “honesty” or “trust,” you might as well just abandon those now since it won’t happen. So what does this mean for you NK? Well, it’s simple.

Ask her. See how many she has. Of course, she’s going to lie her ass off as well because she probably already realizes the truth about relationships. So it’s your job to meet that lie with a lie of your own, by which we mean you should try to keep your tally around 1, maybe 2 more than hers. Yes genius, this is a bad time to bring up that night you got ripped on E and fucked 16 “women” (but the sign said? -ed) on that “business trip” to Thailand. Just shut your damn mouth and keep it simple. She’s been with 5? You got 7. 8? 9. 10? 11. She did 14 in a week? Fuck, we want her number. The point here is you have to make her feel good and that’s why a lie is so critical since the obvious truth of your life will likely brutalize the relationship. And for the love of God, resist the temptation to go under her total. All that’s going to do is make her wonder why she’s dating you. Unless you’re rich, then you should already know why she’s there and it’s NOT because she’s looking for investment tips (until after you die, but that’s another issue).

So NK, that’s the extent of it. Lie lie lie. Just keep it simple and you’ll be fine. Also, try to resist the urge to come out with the “it doesn’t matter how many I’ve been with, you’re the only one that matters.” That pretty much says you’ve probably fucked most everything in your zip code and she’s better off getting back to her dildo. Also, if this topic hasn’t come up yet and you are wondering about her tally? Well, it’s like this… Don’t ask, Don’t tell. You can’t handle the truth anyways…

ps: you didn’t come? Who cares. If there was any measurable amount of nudity involved and someone stuck something somewhere, then it’s sex. Don’t believe me? Ask Bill Clinton. Better yet, ask Monica.