Deviant Advice

“Hi DeviantAdvice…

So here’s my situation. I’m a guy. I’m 18 years old. And I think I’m gay. I’m really scared to tell anyone because I think people around me in this stupid town hate gays like me. I want to tell my parents, but I think they’ll be disappointed. I know my dad is real proud that I’m doing work-study at a local mechanic’s garage and my mom’s proud my grades are good, so I don’t want them to think that I’m going to change. I want to tell my friends, but I’m afraid they won’t be my friends anymore. I know you guys tend to joke around there at DEviantAdvice, but I need serious advice. I’m seriously scared.”

-GG, Gulfport

Alright GG. You asked for serious advice and you’ve got a serious subject. Let’s do this..

The first thing you need to do is take a deep, cleansing breath. Just expand your lungs, hold it, breathe out, relax. Do it a couple times to steady yourself. Got it? Great.

Now, get the fuck over yourself. Seriously. Are you even aware that it’s 2008? Gay folks are enjoying better times now than in the past. So it’s not like we’re still conducting mass witch-hunts looking for Teh GHEY FOLKS!!! OMG!!!! TEH AIDS!!!! No no, it’s not like that at all. Sure, maybe it is in your world, but most of the rest of the world -and DeviantAdvice is included- could give a shit less that you’re gay. So take a few moments and let that paragraph sink in.

Ok. Harsh right? Absolutely. But you need to understand a few truths in this world. You are not that unique. Sure, you’re probably a pretty decent human being (unless you’ve killed in cold blood, burnt down the rainforest, or actually watch that stupid dance crew show on MTV), but you just aren’t that remarkable. Yes, you’re gay. And that’s the extent of it. It’s not like you have super powers now or anything else, you’re just some guy who gets off on/with other guys. And that’s damned ok in the greater scheme of life. So let’s tackle some of your issues and get past them.

Parents. Always a toughie there, unless your parents are hippies. Then you can pretty much do anything and they’re ok with it. Most other non-hippie parents worry about their kids turning out gay for a couple of reasons:

• 1) they really don’t like you to grow up in any real fashion. Being gay (just like being straight) means you’re about to start dating and falling in love and exploring new feelings and, ultimately, getting your heart ripped-out by some uncaring monster of a human who mostly just wanted you around because they were bored. Your parents don’t want their little angel getting his heart crushed and that’s the extent of it. Of course, your intention is to, eventually, do the exact opposite and get into some stupid relationship that is based more on sex than love. The only benefit your being gay has is that you’re less likely to knock up some neighbor girl. The downside is that -if you aren’t- you’re going to date someone who’s exuberantly gay, by which we mean fucking annoying. If you’re straight, it’s a cheerleader. If you’re gay… well, it’s still a cheerleader. Rah rah go fuck yourself.
• 2) People without kids tend to tease gay people because they -the folks without kids- are empty-headed morons. Your parents know the world is tough and they want to spare you as much as they can. Unfortunately, being gay still has a slight stigma to it, so it can make things worse. However, at some point they just have to deal with the reality that you’re going to get completely screwed by life in some way. Might as well get it going now while you’re still in school.

So telling the parents can be a complicated and tricky issue. That said, here’s a pretty simple method: just fucking tell them. Don’t line it up with “I feel horrible” or “I know this is hard” or anything else. Don’t treat being gay like a condition. Basically just be calm with them, let em know, and move on. When (not if.. WHEN) they react, listen carefully and compassionately, acknowledge their (valid) concerns, and try to talk to them about this. They’re going to be scared FOR you, not OF you. Just remind them that you know the consequences here and blah blah blah. Treat them like normal humans and they’ll probably be just fine. If they flake out on you, threaten to kick you out, etc.. well, then life has dealt you a pretty tough hand there, so you might want to find a sympathetic relative or friend who can help you ride out the storm. Most parents aren’t morons (altho some….), so by treating them like humans, you’re likely to have this part go well.

Your friends are another issue altogether. Honestly, most of them probably already know (just like your parents), so telling them will mostly get you a “duh” type of response. If the “friend” gives you anything other than encouragement… well, now you know who is and isn’t your friend. Don’t cut them out of the picture entirely, just limit activities with them until they realize what a dink they’ve been and finally just accept you for you. If they’re truly a friend, this will happen, it’s just going to take time. Let them have it and let them come to you and it’ll all be smooth in the end (clever… -ed).

Of course, in any situation there are also things you should NOT do. Let’s hit those…

1) do NOT announce your homosexuality to the general public before everyone else. Honestly, this is tacky, stupid, and is going to just get your parents (who are VERY important folks, after all) pissed at you because their worst fears will start running to the forefront. No, not that you’re gay, but that some jackass is waiting to stab you in the kidneys because you are. So tell your parents, then your friends, then fucking YouTube that shit if you want.

2) for the love of fuck, dress like a human being. I love seeing gay “pride” parades where two guys decide the best way to show “pride” is to walk down the street in short-shorts, combat boots, and fairy wings. Yes, I understand that they’re trying to show just how insanely idiotic the insult of “fairy” is, but it’s still idiotic. If a demonstration of pride involves you dressing only slightly less offensively than Britney Spears, then you have greater issues than pride. You’re a moron.

3) please don’t use the word “queer” in any way shape or form. You aren’t queer, you’re gay. Yes, you can cite the whole “taking it back” argument if you would like, but let’s look at how well it worked for blacks and the whole “nigger” thing.

4) don’t be bi unless you’re a hot chick. Bi dudes are creepy.

And that’s really about it. As a human being, you’re going to be inclined to do stupid shit. As a GAY human being, your stupid shit will be only slightly different (you’ll watch reruns of “Will and Grace” instead of “Spin City,” you’ll think IKEA is tacky, etc). The best thing to do is just embrace that you’re a gay human who’s going to do some pretty retarded crap and just move on with your life.

Above all, just BE yourself. Seriously. Don’t bury it under 400 layers of random bullshit that makes no fucking sense. Don’t go out thinking you’re going to be the best goddam homo out there; go out intent on just being the best person YOU can be. You’ll do fine and the world won’t rip itself apart cause you like taking it in the butt. If anything goes horrifically wrong, just shoot us an email here (deviantadvice@endlessmonkeys.com) and we’ll do our best to help you out further.

ps: if you see Bobby Trendy, please slap that fucker. Thanks. We don’t hate him cause he’s gay, we just hate him cause he’s pretentious and, unfortunately, dresses better than us (me included and I’m a chick! -ed).

pss: if you have any hot, lesbian friends… well.. VIDEO ok? Thanks.