Deviant Advice

“Dear DeviantAdvice!
Oregon and its pathetic drivers… i Haven’t lived anywhere else, traveled to Los Angeles, CA. Miami, FL. which are some of the most frustrating places for most, however Oregon really sets me off. what is it??? is it the rain that makes them slow? the fact a lot of Oregonians buy trucks and SUV’s for winter so they resort to driving slow to save gas? or is it the obvious reason that Oregon is just a slower paced state all together? should i just let it go, or drive passed these assholes with my finger up and a big ‘Fuck You!’ look on my face?”

- SF, Beaverton

You know SF, I’m almost thinking that *road* rage is the least of your rage here. But we digress. This is an all-too-common request for advice around here and we think we finally have it down. So let’s do this…

First off, we’re from Oregon too and we couldn’t agree more. People in this area haven’t the slightest clue how to fucking drive. The others are bikers who think that the rules don’t really count for them. Seriously, wtf? All you bikers who think that you can just creep up into traffic, or pull that “half stop and look” move at an intersection.. oh yeah, the gloves are off assholes. Next time you do it I swear to God I’m going to….

Note: Greg is in time-out right now. We’ve got him listening to some Enya and practicing meditation. Actually, we told him to “chill the fuck out” and can only conclude he’s at The Acropolis. He’ll be back in a bit -editor.

Alright. Sorry. So anywho…

Yes, people in Oregon can’t drive and the SUV drivers are some of the worst. They’re better than Subaru drivers, but only because SUV drivers don’t have any smug self-righteousness over the fact that they bought a freakin Subaru. So how to deal with this? Well, it’s quite simple actually, you just need to drive offensively. That’s right, offensively. That whole “defensive driving” crap doesn’t work in this modern age. We’re all part of a nation of morons that has taken a complicated activity and made it much more complex by doing fuck-all behind the wheel: talking on cell phones, working on laptops, reading books in traffic, fucking KNITTING IN TRAFFIC. Seriously. It’s amazing that we don’t have major pileups every hour because of retards deciding that behind the wheel at 70 miles an hour is a GREAT place to eat dinner. So trying to drive defensively will pretty much limit you two keeping the car in the driveway and making “vroom” noises.

So what makes a good offensive driver? Simple, you have to assume that everyone on the road is out to kill you (and they are) and try to outdo them. You don’t want to just kill these people, you want to utterly ruin their lives. So hauling out the single-finger-salute is nice, but utterly ineffective. Most folks are used to that anyways and, as a rule, tend to expect it. So you’ve got to go one better. Why just put out a single finger when a clenched fist works SO much better. But don’t wait until you’re in front of them, try to do it AS you pass. A single burst of angry fist-waving only communicates your rage for an instant. Shaking your fist like a drunk epileptic (good band name? -ed) communicates your message for a greater duration of time, thus raising the likelihood that the intended recipient of the message gets it. You also have to ensure they understand that the message is indeed for them. So after you finish passing them, why not tap the brakes a bit and let them get up-close-and-personal with your critique? There’s a reason Teddy Roosevelt said “Speak softly and carry a big stick” when asked about diplomacy. Now you know it too. Being nice will only get you so far; being a territorial asshole gets you MUCH further (and the occasional chick, too).

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got some more rage to work off… and at least $20 in my pocket that could go to a better, more nude-r cause.