I Need To Lose My Flower (0)
October 17th, 2008 by Deviant Advice, under Advice.
Hi Deviant Advice. I’ve got a situation that I need your help with.
For starters, I’m 25, male, and a virgin. I’ve never been with a girl and I really want to be. I just get scarred though and have a hard time talking to girls. I go out to the bars with my friends and they try to help but it doesn’t work at all. I just keep getting shy and nothing happens. I really hate that all my friends hook up except for me. Help me Deviant Advice, you’re my only hope! (sort of like Obi Wan! LOL).
-XN, Knoxville
Well XN, this is probably going to take some time, but I think that we might be able to help. However, it’s going to take some work from you. No, strike that, it’s going to take a LOT of work from you and time’s a-wastin, so let’s get to it!
First off, you need to change your entire mindset on this one. You have to think like a winner and then act on it. Just going to the bar, sipping some mug of whatever’s cheap isn’t cutting it. You’re going to have to go get so off your tits (why do you write during soccer? -ed) that you won’t care if you get shot down by every drunk skank there and, honestly, it’s gonna happen. You’re going to ask a LOT of women to fuck you and you’re going to absolutely fuck it up by telling them you’re a virgin, so just work it out of your system as quickly as possible so that you can actually get on with getting deflowered.
Oh what’s that? You want romance? No, skip it. It’s dead. You’re a 25 year old guy, not a 13 year old GIRL ok, so man up Nancy. You’re next step is to actually pick out your first conquest and, frankly, beggars can’t be choosers my man. See that lady over there? Yup, the one that pretty much screams “SLUT.” That’s your target bub and you might as well just reconcile the fact that 1) she’s your best/only hope, 2) she’s going to do some freaky-ass shit to you that, well, you won’t recover from, and 3) you’re going to be a moron and fall in love with her and, well, she’s going to forget your name the instant you tell her. You think this won’t happen to you? Well, you’re writing to US aren’t you? That’s what we thought.
So let’s recap… you, drunk, hook up with the slut, stop quoting fucking “Star Wars” ok?
