Deviant Advice

“OMG. He’s into EMO. Seriously He likes all that Emo crap. I dunno what i’m going to do about my son. He sits in his room all day and listens to whiny shit. WTF is wrong with him? Come on DeviantAdvice, help my son say NO to EMO!”

-AG, St Louis

Well AG. You’ve certainly come to the right place. Emo? We hate that shit too. So let’s take your son by the hand, look tenderly into his eyes, and let him know that he’s a douche. So sit him down in front of the screen, tell him to read this, and walk out of the room. We’ll take it from here.

Ok. He gone? Great.

Look. We all agree here that emo is whiny-ass shitbag music. It’s a bunch of disenfranchised punks who’ve probably had an easy life and don’t know what to rebel against, so they just sing about.. well.. fuck if we know what the hell they sing about. All we know is the little shits just play god-awful music and cry a whole lot. That said, go ahead and listen to it.

What’s that? Thought we were going to come down on you? Thought were going to tell you that you’re pathetic? No no, not at all. Well, you are pathetic, you’re also still a freaking kid. We know that NO ONE likes emo music for any reason. The only like it because it pisses off other people and that’s why you listen to it. You know it pisses off your parents, so you cling to it like it’s the last salvation for humanity. We know what’s up and we also know that trying to get you to stop only makes you want to listen to it more. So why waste time? Besides, we figure that letting you burn yourself out on this shit is going to be WAY more effective than telling you that you can’t listen to it. So go ahead and cram your ipod full of whatever the latest sad-craze is and gorge yourself. Eventually you’ll realize that it’s just a thousand bands singing the same 4 fucked up songs anyways:

1) I’m lonely because I’m misunderstood
2) I’m lonely because I don’t know how to love
3)I’m lonely because I got my ass dumped
4) I’m not Morrissey

In fact, pretty much EVERY emo song/band that comes out now a days pretty much falls under number 4. Or if you’re “hard core,” then you’re pissed because you aren’t Nick Cave. Either way, both of them grew the fuck up and decided to be adults about their shit and, one day, you will too. So, like we said, go for it. And don’t stop updating your weak-ass livejournal/blogger/xanga/whatever-it-is with your horrible poetry too. Just be sure to save it since, one day, you’ll be all growed up and can look back and realize what a whiny douche you were.

So that’s it really. Now stop cutting yourself and go cut the lawn, or let it listen to some of your music so it -hopefully- cuts itself.

(Listen no one likes that damn music. I got billy goats that make a more pleasant noise. As far as your boy is concerned a good swift kick in the ass does wonders,and so does Military school it’s hard to be a big whiny pussbag with a combat boot stuck in your ass. Like granddad always said spare the rod and beat the little bastard with your fists. -Mak)