Deviant Advice

“Dear Deviant Advice

Ok so Im a dumbass. I completely missed me and my girls 2 year anniversery. I know Ive fucked up and I have to make it up to her, but I dunno how to do this. I thought about getting her roses or a teddy bear, or even a teddy LOL j/k. I’m lost here so HELP!!!”

- SA, Dallas

Well hoss, you’ve fucked up and fucked up good. Also, considering the submission queue is about 3 months behind, you’re SERIOUSLY fucked here. So in the hopes that you somehow are still with this lovely lady (pics of her tits, or it never happened -ed), we’ll try to help you out.

First off, you have no excuse to forget this date, or ANY date for that matter. Almost any place that offers free email offers a free calendar, so it’s not like this is some Intertube secret. Honestly, get hooked up with a calendar and USE the damn thing. With us? Great.

Second, this is going to cost you, but not in the way you think. Buying her any gift now is going to seem idiotic and weak on your part. You, my friend, are going to have to work for this one. That means all the stupid little shit she likes? Yeah, be prepared to do that by the ton ok. At this moment she’s probably thinking she can use this as leverage to go watch that insipid “Sex and the City” movie. Man up hombre and suggest it to her first. And be SINCERE about it, ok? Don’t mutter or mumble, just grab your sack and go. If it helps, Kim Cattral is sorta hot in a strange way, so maybe you can get some fapable material out of this.

Third, don’t apologize. Seriously. It shows weakness and also puts you in a position where you’re admitting “I have no clue how to fix this” and that pretty much hands over your balls to her and you obviously don’t want this. So resist the urge to haul out a “baby, I’m so sorry” and, instead, try to go with a “It’s moments like this that make me realize how much I take you for granted.” Yes, it sounds corny, but your chick is corny and it’s up to you to meet that level of corniness. If you can’t seem to remove “I’m sorry” from your sorry-ass vocabulary, then at least go one better and do it via a card. For fuck’s sake, don’t make it yourself either. You’re not in kindergarten anymore.

Fourth, gifts are pointless and pretty much say “I have absolutely no imagination and I hope to buy you off with shiny trinkets.” So, basically, you’ve told her you don’t care about the relationship and also think she’s a simple-minded idiot. Yes, a gift communicates THAT much, unless it’s a diamond the size of her head. Besides, start buying her gifts now and she’s just going to expect more and better gifts, something your broke-ass can’t afford since you apparently CAN afford Internet access but CAN’T afford a free calendar so you don’t forget this shit. So instead of gifts, try romance. There’s honestly not enough space here to get into what “romance” really is, so you’re on your own here. Considering that romance has been a relationship-defining characterstic for, oh, the better part of at least 10,000 years, I’m sure you can find SOMETHING on it.

Last, again, the calendar. Seriously. Most of them are free, so use it and let’s not have a repeat of this next year.

ps: you want to buy her lingerie? if you can’t remember an anniversary, her measurements are going to be an even greater mystery. seriously, don’t do it. and don’t get a gift card either, she’ll just think you’re calling her fat anyways.