Deviant Advice

“Dear Deviant Advice;

There’s this guy in our little circle of friends -we’ll call him ‘Robert’- who we think is a liar. He claims that he has a horribly inoperative form of cancer, but it getting treatment for it. As a result, he doesn’t hold down a job and he mooches off of any of us he can find. He’s gotten hooked up with this one girl and has her pretty much around his finger. He lives with her, but not ‘with’ her, yet they act like it. When we ask about his treatment, he’s vague and noncommital. When we point out that chemo kills your hair, he states he takes Rogaine pills. Frankly, we’re starting to see through his crap, but we don’t know if we should say anything to the people he’s mooching off of. Any advice? It’d be great if it were DEVIANT…”

- MM, Norman

Well MM, I can see where you’re in a delicate situation there. Cancer and other terminal-esque illnesses can be quite difficult to deal with. The treatments, the pain, the weight loss, the endless medications, and Rogaine pills all tend to have massive effects on the bo… Wait. Rogaine? Pills? Ok, so let me quote Billy-bob Thornton in the epic classic Bad Santa… “Are you fucking with me?” Seriously. Rogaine pills? And you said nothing? Shame on you. Ok, let’s get to the advice.

Basically it’s your job to out this fraud. Couch-surfing under the premise of being a grad-student/retarded hippy/Bob Dole/whatever is one thing. But when you start doing it under the auspices of being terminally ill, yet getting some treatment, you’ve crossed a line. If you don’t want to work, that’s fine. If people want to take care of you for that, that’s fine.. it’s retarded on their part, but whatever. Just don’t lie about it. Or, at least choose a PLAUSIBLE fucking lie. Jesus christ. So yes, MM, it’s your job to stand up and proudly proclaim that this man is a sham. However, there’s going to be some fallout and you need to prepare for it…

First off, with respect to those who are currently putting this idiot up… You’ve probably got a losing battle on your hands. If your intent is to save them, then it’s probably going to fail. This person is probably already aware that the guy’s lying his ass off and probably doesn’t care. She’s probably got self-esteem issues out the ass (and I bet it’s a tubby ass, too) and it’ll take more than a simple “he’s lying, kick him to the curb girl!” (fuck, stop watching Maury.. -ed) is going to do fuck-all to help. He probably gives her just enough to keep her flagging self-esteem at least at half-mast, so she comes back for more. So, really, you’re only hope is to confront him directly.

And that won’t work either. It sounds like he’s got a small network of guillable saps pooled together that he can wander in between and, as mentioned before, they don’t care about his lies. You could try to appeal to his sense of ethics, but he likely has none (sold for Rogaine pills? -ed). His dignity is an equally useless target too since he probably has to sacrifice it on occasion to keep his living arrangements up. You could try an intervention, but it sounds like he’s probably at least smart enough to figure that out and either wouldn’t show up, or would just fight to keep up his lie. So, MM, your only real option is to go ninja on his ass.
You’ll need to consider smaller actions. Sublte comments, innuendos, etc. When out with a group, make sure you single him out for his “serious condition” and try to take care of it. Ask him if he needs anything special. Remind him that his cancer treatment can cause incontinence and ask if he needs extra Depends Undergarments? Does he require a special diet? Lots of cancer patients have actually eaten baby food at times since it tends to go down easier, so ask him if he’d like some strained carrots. With enough public humiliation, he might just renounce his ways, or disappear altogether (one can only hope eh?). Either way, you really have to ask yourself if all of the effort is worth it. However, that being said.. you do have a final option… actually, HE has a final option…