Deviant Advice

“Dear Deviant Advice!I can’t believe I’m writing this. There’s this guy who works in my office and he;’s SOOOO hot. I can’t help staring at him all day long and I see him staring back sometimes. I try to find excuses to talk to him and go by his desk too. I guess I’m an office stalker LMAO! I really want to hook up with him, but everyone always says not to. What do you Deviants think? And yes, I’m a girl.”

- JJ, Phoenix

Ok, so let’s get this straight “JJ.” You’re some girl working in an office with some hot guy and you seem to be flirting with him non-stop and he’s not even attempted to bed you yet? Something seems askew here. So let’s look at all the possibilities:

• He’s gay.
• You aren’t being totally forthcoming. Are you a fatty? Maybe he looks at you because he can’t pull his eyes away out of sheer horror
• He’s married and you haven’t noticed the ring

So let’s take these one-by-one and see how we can help you:

1) He’s gay

Ok. So this won’t be easy. Most gay guys are usually pretty happy being gay. I mean seriously, have you seen Gay Pride parades? Holy christ, these men are GAY and happy about it. So if he’s truly gay, you’re pretty much out of luck. Your best hope here is that he’s bisexual. However, even then he’s likely to still want a gay angle. That said, if that’s your kink then go for it. Just don’t pin any long-term hopes on this turning into anything more than an office fuck-buddy with the potential for some insane 3-somes.

2) You’re a fatty.

Drop the fork, hit the gym, and try again.

3) He’s married.

This is the most-likely possibility. Sometimes it’s hard to notice the trappings of a settled-down dude, even though our sources say that most women look for a ring first as a matter of course. So maybe you’ve just missed the glaring beacon that says “Attention everyone: I have made a serious error in judgement and will now spend the rest of my life paying for it.” (hope the sofa’s comfy tonight -ed) So if he is married, what are you to do? Well, it’s easy actually. Fuck him. Seriously. Don’t dilly-dally about it. Don’t be all cute and coy. Just go by his desk, look right at him, and inform him that joining you in the supply closet in 15 minutes could be the most religious experience of his life. The flirting game is cute and all, but if he’s not biting then he’s probably just scared and it’s up to you to let him know, in no uncertain terms, you’re wanting to take his dictation, if you know what we mean (she does. she’s not an idiot -ed).

So after you hookup with Office Hottie, you have the aftermath to deal with and this is the part that makes everyone go “don’t get into an office romance.” Honestly, this is such a crock of crap that it makes us sick. When you’re done, you’re done. That’s it. No long-winded “you’ll always mean something to me” good byes; no “I should transfer to -insert freakishly remote office here- and make this less awkard.” None of that crap. Just be done with it. But there is a flip side and that’s SHUT YOUR DAMN MOUTH ABOUT IT. And that’s for both parties involved. Don’t go bragging to the other ladies in your department about the size of his crank, just like he shouldn’t go spilling the beans about that crazy trick you did with your tongue and that popsicle. Just be quiet about it and let it be a good memory. The instant either of you decides to let the office know that you two hooked up for the most insane sock-monkey loviin’ in the history of the universe is the instant that both of you should polish up your resumes and start looking for another job, preferably one in an office crammed full of ugly/fat/stupid/croc-wearing people.

By the way. If you do hookup and it is hot… do it twice and tape the second one. It’s just so we can measure the effectiveness of our advice. (now about that sofa… -ed)