Deviant Advice

“Dear Deviant Advice…
My girlfriend and I have been together for about 5 years now and we have a lot of fun, but things are starting to slow down a bit in the bedroom and we’re looking to rejuvenate a bit. We’ve been considering going into kink, but I look stupid in a gimp mask and she’s not so sure that violence is ‘romantic’. Any ideas?”

- JM, Portland

Well JM, it’s like this… a gimp mask can be sexy in its own way and your girlfriend is too stupid to realize that “violence” can solve a shitload of problems if she’d just fucking LISTEN for once. I swear to God I have to tel…

Ok, so maybe that’s not the best approach. Frankly JM, your idea sounds dandy to us. Sometimes it helps to spice things up a little bit and you can even do it without involving the entire spice rack (“be careful of the cumin” is all I can really say here). Probably the best advice I can give here is to go slow. Start off easy and work it up to there. To that end, here’s some tips:

1) Bondage. Tried-and-true, it’s the most common of the bedroom sports. Plus it’s CHEAP too. I’d avoid the ever-popular (and played-out) silk scarves and opt for something like real honest-to-god rope. Why? Well, it’s all about physics. A silk scarf is pretty damn slippery in its own way and if you or your chickie are tugging like all hell, it’s likely that any knots will get pulled that much tighter and you’re now out the cost of your lovely scarf which you probably spent 30 minutes agonizing over at Target. Seriously dude, who gives a fuck if it matches the decor. Christ. So yes, rope. Go to Home Depot, Lowe’s, or your local hardware store and look at their rope section. I tend to get quarter-inch to half-inch rope, depending on what I want to do later. Larger diameters (try not to go past half-inch though, unless you have some unknown circus fantasy) work best for beginners since it’s easy to undo knots. Smaller diameters are better for more complex projects (it’s called “Shibari” and you can’t do it yet, ok.. back away from the hemp rope). And for God’s sake, keep some paramedic shears handy.

2) Blindfolds. Another great and easy way to spice things up a bit. Blindfolds work well because they remove just enough sense to make things somewhat mysterious (can’t see where the other person’s going) and also enhances other senses (you can hear the snap of the latex glove all the better). Blindfolds are good too because they’re CHEAP. Anything that’s fabric and long works well, just don’t be a retard and cover the nose/mouth.

3) Porn. Come on, you probably already have some don’t you? You don’t? The fuck? Seriously, get some. Mix it up a bit tho, try something different. The world of porn is getting bigger by the second and anything you can think of is quickly being subjected to Rule 34. Please note: if I find out that you’re watching/making anything involving “furries,” or “plushies” then I will hunt you down and murder you.

So there’s three simple ways to get started. Yes, there’s lots more, but it’s best to start off easy and work your way up. Plus it gives you plenty of time to get fitted for a good gimp mask.