Deviant Advice

“Ok Deviant Advice, I got one for ya.

My daughter, the apple of my eye whose only 13 has started talking about going out. Dating. DATING. She’s 13!!1! I dunno wtf I’m gonna do. She wants to go out now and she’s 13. Come on guys, surely one of you has to have a daughter?”

- LW, Tupelo

Nope LW, I don’t have a daughter. On the contrary, I’ve got two boys. So you think YOU got problems? Well, actually you may.

Look, it’s a fact that girls are maturing faster now. Call it hormones in beef, the angle of the moon, MySpace, Facebook, whatever… you are now in the throes of puberty my friend and it’s about to go from “worrisome” to “can drinking be a hobby AND a sport?” Of course, we’re here for you though. For you and your daughter and her blossoming body. (awkward? -ed)

So you’re obviously trying to figure out what to do. You’re trying to think of every way possible to control your daughter, to slow down the pace of what’s happening. Give up. Give up now, actually. You can’t stop it at all. It’s like The Terminator, it just… won’t… stop… making stupid sequels, oh my god. Seriously… there’s like 14 of those movies now? Damnit. Now granted, we aren’t implying that your precious daughter is a relentless killing machine… not yet at least, give it a couple years. So your main instinct here is to go with the flow. Adapt to the situation. Dare I say it, consider letting her date.

Sure, I know you’re staring at the screen, wanting to grab that shotgun you keep under your couch… and that’s exactly what I want you to keep doing. You see, your little girl is going to date no matter what you say. You should applaud her for her honesty, but also realize that she’s doing one of two things: 1) manipulating you like the ignorant fool that you likely are, or 2) not thinking her cunning plan through (bad choice of words -ed). Hopefully it’s the latter, but we’re reasonably sure it’s the former. So you’re going to have to meet that with a great defense and there’s absolutely NO defense like Parental Insanity. That, my friend, is where that shotgun comes in.

When your daughter has her friends over, be sure to clean it on occasion in front of them. Yes, I am secretly implying that you should “clean” it in a way that suggests you are both lonely and batshit crazy. Long stokes to clean it, caressing it oh-so-softly, giving it a petname, all great ideas that you should consider. Now, don’t get too into your role though as you don’t want people to actually believe you are insane and start calling the doctors on you. You want to be juuuuuuust crazy enough that people will not mess with you and -by extension- your daughter. Oh sure, there’s probably some social stigma in being “that girl with the psycho gun-loving dad,” but that also means that the potential for pregnancy goes way down when the young man trying to bust that first nut into your daughter remembers that you earlier engraved his name on a bullet directly in front of him.

Of course, there are those that say “but you should nurture your daughter, teach her how to be a woman.” These people are clinically insane and you should avoid them at all costs as these people are probably hippies anyway and think that names like “Moon Unit,” or “Star,” or “Hillary” are actually valid names for a human-being. These people don’t understand the primal fear in a father’s heart when he thinks about his little girl being deflowered in a drunken stupor in the backseat of the car that some young guy’s dad is probably still paying on. So instead of celebrating her femininity, you need to advise her that her femininity is sacred and any boy who violates it is going to have to just understand that killing him is part of the circle of life and he should just accept it and move on as best he can… while being very dead.

Of course, the more that you try to stop her development, the harder she’s going to try to defy you. It’s a natural law. So you have to have a Plan B and that usually involves sending her someplace where men don’t exist and women are taught that chastity is an honorable state. The only problem is that no planes are currently running routes back to the 13th century, so you’re pretty much going to have to accept that your daughter is becoming a woman. Your little baby girl is growing up and you can only remember one thing… It’s not murder if he survives; it’s just assault.

Happy hunting!