Deviant Advice

Oh my gosh Deviant Advice, my friend needs help!

She’s about to get married and it’s to the WRONG GUY. He’s AWFUL. He treats her like crap, but she doesn’t see it. Last time we all went out for “girl’s night out” he texted her like a million times to see what she was doing. If she didn’t text back fast enough for him, he’d call her and ask her what she was doing, if she was drunk, and other stuff. He’s a control freak and I think that her marrying him is wrong. What do I do Deviants? Do I let her do this, or do I stand up when the preacherman says “If anyone objects…” Help help help!

- MR, Puyallup

Well MR, you’ve got quite the dilemma there. Thankfully, we’ve got a great solution for you and it goes a little somethin like this:

Mind your own damn business.

Nonono, we kid, we kid. Honestly, it’s great that you really want to stand up for your friend and be there for her, but you’re really gonna have to just let this go and wait for the whole thing to fuck up on its own. Sure, it’s going to suck a whole bunch for you since you have to watch your friend go through some miserable hell for God only knows how long, but you’re just gonna have to man up about this one and let it go. And here’s why.

Your friend gets this craptacular treatment from this guy right? Well, she’s either 1) retarded or 2) ok with it since he fulfills some need for her. I’m guessing it’s 2 since most state agencies don’t clear retards to marry all that often (despite what “Life Goes On” attempted to teach you). So let’s go down this road. She’s managed to find some measure of happiness with this jackass, enough to make her look past his jackassery (I should have never let you go to Mexico, now all you talk about are donkeys -ed) and go “sure, I can marry this guy.” So she decides to go through with it and, in her world, all is well cause she’s got a potential husband. So then you come boppin along on her special day and decide that, in a dashing show of heroism, you’re going to save her. So now the entire wedding party is looking at you and not her and, for extra fun, you come off like a screeching harpy who’s pissed that your friend is getting married. Besides, the only thing that’s really gonna happen when you stand up is that someone -quite possibly the minister- is just going to tell you to STFU and sit your meddling ass down. Net effect: zilch.

Now you got a friend who thought she was getting hitched, now has this interruption, and you’re there looking like a fool. Since you don’t like this guy (and something tells me that it’s a mutual dislike) you’ve just handed him enough ammo to prevent her from seeing you until we have a black Presi… er,  until the next time Haley’s Comet comes around. So this isn’t your best move.  If you want to save her, you’re going to have to let her fall on her ass.

Now, this whole thing is wrong if this guy abuses her physically. If that’s the case, then you really don’t need to be standing up in the middle of a wedding. You need to be calling the police if you actually witness it happening, or else encourage her to call the police. However, if it’s just that you feel he’s a bad match for her, then you really need to just chill out and let her figure that out on her own.

Like we said: “Mind your own damn business.”