Deviant Advice

“So here’s the deal Deviant Advice;

My hubby is a great guy. I love him to death and that may be in the next week. He’s seriously into all of these ‘ghost’ shows. It drives me up the wall because I scare easily. So he watches these stupid things all night (our DVR is crammed full of them) and then we go to bed and I can’t sleep. I’m jumping at every sound, which is a lot since we have a restless dog in the house. I try to tell him that it scares me, but it doesn’t seem to matter. I’m about ready to turn HIM into a ghost, so how about some help here?”

-SG, New Orleans

Well SG, sounds to us like hubby needs a dose of reailty.

Let’s be honest, ghost shows work because they scare the beejbus out of us. Most of us like to be scared out of our wits because it’s visceral and fun since it engages that whole “fight or flight” thing that scientists like to talk about. It kicks in endorphins and makes us into loopy idiots; so yeah, it’s pretty damn fun.

And then you turn 10 and realize that it’s all crap. Oh what’s that? It’s true? Ok genius, then explain something to me… why are there no “ghost pets?” Seriously. You see all manner of crazy shit, but you pretty much never see anything other than displaced humans who need some sort of after-life GPS unit. It’s always “hello, am I talking to {long-lost gramma/grampa/batshit crazy uncle}?” You never hear them hauling out “here boy.. come fetch the ouija board.. c’mere boy {whistle}!” Why is that? Seriously. Can someone actually explain to me in reasonable terms why that doesn’t happen? Do animals not have souls? Are animals just THAT much more in tune with whatever the hell goes on after this life? Nope, it’s just that the idea of “ghosts” is a crock of crap. Anyone who tries to argue that it’s real pretty much deserves to be punched square in the head, your darling hubby included. People, it’s not real.

And don’t even get us started on those “omg, I tooks me a picture of a ghost!!” retards. I once had the unfortunate luck of running into one of these kooks who says they caught a pic of their daughter coming into the house and she was just “surrounded by extoplasm” (seriously, EXTOplasm…) which later on translated into god’s love or some sort of etheral bukkake, I can’t recall which. Anywho, I quickly figured this might be slightly hard to believe because 1) why are there spirits haunting a goddam mobile home in the middle of nowhere? and 2) everyone in the house chain-smokes. Of course, this was refuted instantly, but I find it suspect since these inbreds were the kind who lit a new cigarette from the last gasp of an old one. But what the hell do I know? All I really learned was that these people really believed and -oddly- not fans of The X-Files.. go fig.

Of course, these ghost hunting shows may be on to something. They haul out an epic amount of random gear (heat sensors, high-end cameras, pics of your mom) and proceed to set them up everywhere so that they can capture “evidence” of a haunting. So then they camp out, wander whatever building they’re “investigating” and have some insane experience, pack up, and leave. And somewhere along the line someone actually pays these clowns enough money to where they no longer need day jobs. So maybe there’s something to it after all….

So, in conclusion, your hubby’s a moron, ghosts aren’t real, and that little girl from Poultergeists still scares the piss out of me… but the dude peeling his face was cool. (such a boy! -ed)