Deviant Advice

“Well here is my question. What kind of job can I do if I do not like to talk to people all the time? Something that is not filled with pressure, where I can go to work, do the job at a reasonable pace, and then when the day is done, just go home without having to worry about it all the time. Does this make any kind of sense to anyone? Thanks.”

- TM, Newberg

Oh wow, you got quite the conundrum there doncha? Well, let’s see what we can do to help.

You want a job where you don’t really interract with folks a bunch? Well, give up on that. Even if you find some place where you don’t deal with customers all day, then you’re probably going to wind up somewhere that has you working an internal support position and your coworkers will suddenly be your “customers” or “clients” or whatever the hell the latest corporate speak is for “the retards that you deal with on a daily basis.” So you’re always going to have to interract with people.

And even if it’s not customers/clients, then you’re likely going to have to deal with coworkers, including that one jackass. You know the one I’m talking about. That dimwitted moron who feels compell to document every waking moment of their insipid life and then go assault everyone’s desk with “look! pictures!” Seriously, wtf is up with that asshole? I don’t care that you got a new dog/cat/fruitbat/car/boat/surgical procedure. Stay the hell away from me with your pictures. They suck. The fact that you have a digital camera is an affront to both photography and decency and you need to be shot. Of course, there’s also the office-forwarder. Probably the worst human you will ever deal with. They feel compelled to forward ANYTHING that seems vaguely interesting to anyone, even if they don’t work there. These people seem to have some religious devotion to the “Reply All” function and need to be stopped before they foward that fucking email about the million dollar cookie recipe or whatever the hell they send anymore.

Whoah, tangent there. Sorry. So let’s see… what career opportunities are going to fit your criteria…

Well, you could always try to be a security guard on the night shift. But when you have to deal with people there, it’s typically of an unfriendly nature (“you can’t go into that door,” “you can’t park there,” “why do you keep asking if I carry a gun?”). The upside tho is that you will likely have long periods of absolutely event-less time in which you can chill out and surf the web, if the employer allows it (most don’t). The job would be relatively stressful from time to time, but if you have a can of pepper-spray or a tazer handy, then you really won’t be bored for long if you catch my drift there.

About the only other option you have is a long-haul trucker. That wouldn’t be bad really. Tour the country, eat at interesting places (“are you sure this is steak? cause it looks like possum…”), and meet other cracked-out truckers and share stories of the road and drugs. Of course, that means that you live in a truck, but it may not be so bad since most truck stops are now working their asses off to become 5-star resorts (even the lot lizards are taking it up a notch and buying from Target instead of WalMart). The only downside is that a “bad day” on the job may mean that you accidentally jacknifed on the interstate and spilled a whole load of lumber/oil/milk/live-chickens.

So that’s the best we can come up with: security guard or truck driver. Frankly, we vote for Security Guard since… well.. we mentioned the tazer already, right?