Deviant Advice

Dear Deviant Advice

I really do love my boyfriend, but lately he’s been putting on a little weight. I really do want to tell him that it’s starting to make him look bad, but he’s sensitive and I don’t want to hurt his feelings. What do I do?

-MM, Boston
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To: deviantadvice@yahoo.com (note: this address changing)
From: XXX@XXX.XXX
Subject: Homophobes

Dear Assholes

Why do you pick on gay people so much? It seems like there’s always some article about gay people here. I bet that, deep down, you all hate gay people because you’re gay yourselves.  You need to stop picking on us or we’re going to come after you. Just remember that we’re here, queer, and not going anywhere bitches.
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Dear Deviant Advice

He’s a nice guy.. but I think it’s over. As fun as he is, we aren’t really that compatible. I need to let him down gently, but I don’t know if it’s possible since he’s a pretty emotional guy. Any advice for me?

-SL, Warr Acres
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Rule: It’s always about you.

Yes, seriously. You you you. 24/7/365/YOU. Why should it ever be about anyone else?

Don’t get me wrong. Humanity does have its share of shining examples in the sea of chaos that we all find ourselves floating in. There are genuinely good people out there… the suckers. You see, most people are concerned with just trying to get their own issues sorted out and you shouldn’t be any different. Despite what you see, no one is out there just waiting to take care of you because they’re just swell people who think you’re a swell person. No, they’re likely trying to forward their own agenda and you just happen to be a pretty convenient pawn in that little game. How do I know? Well, pretty simple: Sally Struthers.

You see, Sally was pretty famous there for a bit because she was involved in one of those “feed teh starving childrens in Africa” programs. Like any other noble cause, it’s mission was to guilt thousands of middle-class folks in America to send money to Africa and, in the process, feed the kids and set them up with vaccines, education, and all the other things that the modern world enjoys. Seems noble enough, doesn’t it? Oh sure… until you realize that, over time, there were fewer and fewer kids in the advertisements. Oddly, Sally kept getting ever larger. So what does this mean? That’s right dear reader, she was eating the children. So what were people sending money over for? Hell if we know. But Sally sure as hell got hers, thus proving our rule that it REALLY is all about the individual.

So remember, as you’re out and about in the world, don’t ask if what you’re doing benefits the world at large, ask if it benefits YOU. And for the smarter amongst you, this does mean you can turn those ribbed condoms inside-out.. it’s what I do!

And today’s a two-fer!

From: XXX@XXX.XXX
To: deviantadvice@yahoo.com
Sent: Monday, Apr 6 2009

You aren’t helpful.

Well, it’s certainly to the point, isn’t it? I think one of my favorite things is reading the occasional grumble about how we’re just not helpful, we’re horrible, the advice is awful, etc. It tickles me because it tends to confirm that there IS a shallow end to the gene pool and, thankfullly, we’re still not in it. Apparently reading comprehension is a determining factor in this. So if you’re able to go to a website that says “Bad Advice for Good People” and think to yourself “hey.. I bet this site is a humor site” then I would celebrate since you are clearly ahead of the rest of humanity. Congrats!

From: XXX@XXX.XXX
To: deviantadvice@yahoo.com
Subject: Swearing

Why do you swear so much? Little kids might be reading your site. Why not have a warning or something?
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