Deviant Advice

I stole a laptop from work and they won’t even know about it until I’ve been gone a long long time. I don’t really need advice, I just wanted to tell someone.

MA, Harrisburg

You know… when I first got this, I really had to wonder why someone decided to send me this. After all, wouldn’t Post Secret  be a better venue? But then I realized that hey.. WE got someone over Post Secret, so all is well.

MA, it’s simple. You’re an asshole, a dick, and should probably be a staff writer here at DA. Stealing from an employer on the way out is a time-honored tradition that started at our creation in the ole Garden of Eden. Hell, even *I* did it at an old job. The long and short of it is that it’s just flat-out fun to do. Now, there are rules though.

1) Don’t be greedy. Taking a laptop may be pushing it a bit, but perhaps you work in an environment where there are laptops everywhere, so it won’t be noticed. Now, if this is one of, say five laptops.. then you’re just a moron and they’ll figure it out soon enough.

2) Don’t brag. Posting to a somewhat anonymous forum on the Interwebs can be risky. Thankfully I don’t track IP’s, or else this could be an awkward situation since, well, I put in whatever city YOU put in. So hopefully you lied on the form.

3) Try to be righteous. If you’re just sick of your job and they’re generally nice people, don’t be a total douche and steal from them. However, if they’re complete pricks to you? Hell, rob em blind if you can. Just sayin.

4) The supply closet is a trap. Seriously. While it’s tempting to go raid it, they’ll be watching it. And before you think about, trying to spread it out over several supply closets is also a losing proposition. So to summarize… the supply closet is a lie, just like the cake.

Sure, it’s a fairly short list, but we figured that keeping it simple and brief would help out since it’s likely that you probably don’t have a whole lot of time to load up on office goodies before you get out of there.

So, in closing, just remember to be smart about your thievery. Don’t ruin it for everyone else. Which reminds me, my work just got in a really nice new copier…..