Deviant Advice

Dear Deviants

I’m 27 and I’m a virgin. To make it worse, I don’t know if I’m gay. What do I do?

- JH, Lincoln

Wow JH. That sounds like one hell of a dilemma there. I dunno if I want to be in your position at all. But then, I’m not as flexible as I used to be, so most positions for me are a bit difficult. (oh dear god… -ed)

So, that said, let’s get into this and do it right.

JH, the answer to your problem is hookers my friend. Oh sure, you are probably sitting there thinking that your first time has to be filled with romance and love and unicorns or something, but the reality is that’s all a crock of crap. Sex is pretty much an animalistic activity (which is why we were kicked out of that petting zoo -ed) and there’s little romance. Yes yes, there’s folks out there who pull out the whole “I love to make love” routine, but they’re just idiots who, frankly, haven’t a damn clue as to what sex is about… which is basically busting a nut and -if you’re smooth enough- getting breakfast out of the deal.

So yes JH. Hookers. Don’t be afraid to pay for sex. After all, it’s damn liberating to know that the other person is there just to ensure that you get off. Plus you avoid other unpleasantries like witty conversation, remembering names, or asking “are you ok? did you get off?” Oh sure, that seems like my usual snarky advice, but this time it’s absolute truth. It makes things so much easier when you’re just concerned with getting off and then kicking the other person the hell out of your house. Now, before you go picking up some random vagina/peener, there are some things to take into consideration:

1) They don’t love you. They just want your cash and, in some instances, for you to let their sister go (don’t ask) (you couldn’t respond anyways due to that “lawsuit” thing… -ed).

2) For the love of God, don’t go cruising the local streets looking for your first/next adventure. After all, cops just LOVE to bust for prostitution. If you do insist on (stupidly) cruising for strange, at least be weary when they ask YOU to set the price. Of course, even if you drive away you’re still screwed, so seriously… look up a local agency.

3) Skip the romance. When they come to you (and make sure it’s a hotel, don’t be stupid and invite them back to your place from the get go, make sure to have the money out and ready to go. If you INSIST on some form of romance, then put the money into an (unsealed) envelope. Draw hearts on it if you must, but no one’s going to care because, again, they don’t love you.

4) Be prepared. Even though they are most always prepared for those who chose not to plan ahead, you at least want to give the appearance that you have half a brain in your skull, so keep condoms handy. You get double points if you keep dental dams handy in case you want to venture south of the border on your Miss Right Now (cause you at least want to seem like the suave motherfucker you are).

5) Seriously, they don’t love your ass at all. In fact, the instant they leave, they’ll completely forget your name. In fact, they’ll likely forget you actually have a name. While you might be lying there in some sort of post-orgasmic bliss, they’re probably trying to remember if they paid the water bill or not. And that leads to the final consideration…

6) You don’t love them. Yes yes, you’ve probably seen “Pretty Woman” and thought “wow. wouldn’t that be great?” and the answer is fuck NO. It would be a horrendous life to live since, well, the person is in the job because it’s easy money and they have some vague form of fun. If they’re doing it to land a life partner or such, then you’re going to have to really wonder what the hell they’re doing. And it’s probably a greater likelihood that you can’t trust them. So don’t fall in love with them and decide you want to take care of them. It’s just retarded.

And that, JH, is how you’re going to bust that first nut. Oh and BI the way, you’re probably bi. So save up your lunch money and get a dude and a chick. It might be the best $225 + expenses you’ve ever spent.

What? I do a lot of reserach, I know things. Get off my back ok?

(he likes a finger in the butt when I blow him -ed)