Deviant Advice

Dear Deviant Advice

I’ve got a major problem here. I just got busted for a DUI and I really don’t want my boss to know about it. What can I do?

- JF, Miami

I dunno.. stop drinking and driving? Oh wait, that’s too simple. Alrighty JF, I think we can help you.

If your boss is the type who trolls the local Police Blotter, then you’re pretty much screwed since there’s no way in hell he’s going to miss the announcement that a familiar name was just picked up for DUI. So you’ve really only got about two choices here:

1. Deny deny deny. Seriously, just deny it’s you. With your initials being “JF,” there has to be more than one lady who has those initials, and -by extension- your name. Unless you have hippy-ass parents who named you “Jupiter Force” or something similarly retarded. If that’s the case, you’re just hosed and you might as well come clean upfront. That said, if you have a normal name, then just tell the boss you have no CLUE what that’s about and it’s so crazy that someone else in Miami has your same name. How crazy is that? Oh my GAWSH since you would never drink and typically spend most nights at home… reading the bible… to orphans… who are all Downs Syndrome kids (life DOES go on! You rock Corky! -ed)

2. Nothing like a good offense to act as your best defense. If your boss starts heading for the local roundup, then you might as well stop him with a well-placed “Gee Mister Bossperson… you’re about to read something in there that may surprise you.. let me take a second to explain.” At that point, LIE YOUR GODDAM ASS OFF. Oh sure, the start of this implied that you should be honest, but that’s not your style. You are going to tell your boss that did have a couple of pitchers glasses of wine and got pulled over because your VERY drunk friend was acting crazy. Because you were nervous, you failed a field sobriety test and, due to draconian blood-alchohol level research (thanks MADD!) got busted for DUI when, in reality, you were DADMCYAPI (that would be Driving After Drinking Merlot Cause You’re A Pretentious Idiot.. sorry, the truth hurts). Unfortunately there’s no way out of this and you just have to take one on the chin. Oh and by the way, since it’s 10:45 ona  Friday morning, why not everyone go out to lunch? There’s this place that serves BOMB margaritas..

So JF, that’s your choices. Either way you’re going to have to look your boss right in the eye and tell what will, hopefully, be a convincing lie. Whuch lie is up to you, but you better for damn sure practice it so it sounds believeable.

Oh hey… I deserve a drink for the hard work I did on this post! I’m outta here!