Deviant Advice

Dear Deviant Advice

So I read your site and I’m still in high school. I really want to ask this popular girl out, but can’t. Help me! I’m not a nerd, but I’m not a jock either. I really want to date her, but I think she’s out of my league. You all seem to know what you’re doing. Please help because Prom is coming fast…

-CW, Chicago

Hey CW. Ah yes.. Prom. That magical time of year when we all celebrate the eventual departure from high school by renting a crappy tux, a shitty limo, going to restaurants we have no business being in, and then getting absolutely fucking HAMMERED, and ending out the evening puking in someone’s front lawn. Ahhh memories.

That said, Prom was pretty easy for me. I ended up taking a friend’s girlfriend since she used to go to our school and missed her friends. So I figured taking her made the most sense because I wanted to at least say I went to prom, she wanted to see her old friends, and there was the added bonus that she was hot as hell and I got to stand next to her. So even then the shallow nature of what would eventually become this site was present. So after getting everything arranged, I went and rented some tux,  and we went out to a fairly fancy-ish place that, honestly, over-charged for damn-near everything. The “date” was fun and we went to prom so she could say hi to her friends. It was ok, we were there for about 45 minutes, then we ran like hell and hung out with a friend till about 4am and had a blast.. no booze involved.

But CW this isn’t about us… this is about you and helping you to do the impossible.. hook up the popular chick.

First off.. we’re sure your mom has pulled out some sort of “she’s probably sitting by the phone, just waiting for someone to call” thing. You know what, Mom is lying. She’s not sitting by anything at the moment. She’s popular for a reason and that reason is probably the fact that she’s handing out blowjobs like there’s no tomorrow. So don’t go that “oh she’s a nice girl” route because she’s probably a vapid whore. You need an alternate way in. And that, my friend, is found in something called her BFF.

Not many people really consider that the BFF is a tactical advantage. They tend to see the BFF as the cockblock extraordinare. To a degree, they’re right. The BFF is there to ensure that no one gets to the girl without a struggle. So by going in for the BFF first, you can slip right by her and onto your intended target… and if you’re smooth enough, you can even get into threesome territory (but you’re in high school, so you don’t do the sexy-time yet right? right.). It’s a delicate act, but it’s something the pays off well. So that’s our advice to you CW.. hit up the BFF and win her over. After that, it’s smooth sailing.

Unless said BFF is actually a hardcore lesbian.. then you’re pretty much screwed and might as well spend Prom trying to hook up with the school slut since she’ll be in the parking lot ripped off her ass on cheap booze and taking all comers.

Hi Annie!!!