Deviant Advice

Dear Deviant Advice,

So I’m in love wiht this guy, but he’s just so……… he’s not manly enough really. I love him allot and I could totally marry him, but I know he won’t ask me cuz he’s not really manly. He likes to talk about poetry and flowers and going on nature walks and stuff. Sometimes I wish he would just throw me on the bed and get freaky with me, you know? LOL. I’m not into anything crazy, but I really wish he’d do something other than finger me a whole bunch and then finish up with normal sex. DA, what can I do?

- DD, Chanute

I don’t even know where to start off with this. Oh wait, yes I do.

Congratulations, you’re a beard. Not sure what that is? Well, let’s let the folks over at Urban Dictionary take a crack at it:

And DD, that’s YOU. Let me explain just how I figured this out.

1. “I’m in love with this guy, but…” pretty much tells me you aren’t actually in love with this guy. He just happens to be filling a need at the moment.
2. “At the moment” also tends to be your vagina on occasion.
3. The fact that sex with him is mostly him fingering you and then somewhat grunting a few times inside of you implies either you’re disgusting on some level (possible) or he’s gay (probable)
4. Poetry + Flowers + Nature Walks – Oral Sex = he’s gay sweetie. He’s probably gayer than gay. In fact, even Richard Simmons would go “Damn. He’s gay.”

Now, don’t be sad. It could be worse. I don’t know how, but I’m sure it could be worse. Oh wait. I know. You could be totally playing the part of the young Ryan Reynolds character in “Best Friends.” Yow him, that fat kid with the retainer who loved his BFF so much and wanted to cram his sausage fingers into her pep squad poon but she never would even notice his advances until later on he becomes insanely rich and successful and then he finds her in a local dive bar and realizes that her life went to crap while he worked hard on his and then he’s a jerk to her and she calls him on it and then, eventually, they get together and it all ends out well. Yeah. That could be you. So the moral here is don’t be Ryan Reynolds. Or fat. Or hit on your best friend. Scratch that, just don’t be Ryan Reynolds.

So yes. You are a beard. It’s going to suck, but it’s got some upsides. If you just let him gay it on up you’ll have unlimited access to gay male porn. From my extensive research (translation: asking me -ed), I’ve discovered that straight women LOVE teh gay porns (which I don’t -ed). So if you’re like a normal straight woman, then you have live porn just waiting to be had in front of you. So go for that.

Second, this guy’s gay and they are just SUPER popular right now because most of the country still has no clue that being gay means nothing. People still assume it’s some exotic personality quirk and just go nuts over it and that both confuses and amuses gay folks to no end.  So finding out that you are in direct contact with one? Pure. Win. Seriously. Granted, after about two weeks of these people going gaga, you’re going to want to murder all of them, but cross that bridge when you come to it ok?

Third, he’s touching you. So maybe he’s at least bi. “Half of something is better than all of nothing” and all that, you know?

Super!