Deviant Advice

I’m getting cold feet. The wedding is 2 weeks away and I’m not sure I can be faithful to one man for the rest of my life. What’s a girl to do?

AH, Ft Stockton

What’s a girl to do? Well, honesty is a GREAT start. Just be honest to your groom-to-be. Tell him straight up “Look… I love you and all, but there is some FREAKY shit I like to do and I need to know I can still do that.” Then you go and make some retarded-ass promise to him about how your love will always be pure, he’ll have your heart, blah blah blah. That last part, skip that. Seriously. Don’t treat him like he’s a moron. If you tell him that you need the freedom to be able to go have a nice freaky-sex session involving candles, blindfolds, swim fins, an EZ Bake Oven, and a gallon of sealant, and he still agrees to marry you… you’re in. That’s all there is to it. Hell, maybe HE might be wanting some freedom of his own. Ever think of that?

You do say, however, that you have cold feet. So what’s the deal here really? Do you not want to be married? Did you say yes after this guy made some empassioned plea? Oh my god… this is a Guilt-ing isn’t it? You know, the horrible combination of Guilt and a Wedding? Christ, EJECT! Eject eject eject! Get outta there Goose! (I actually deleted a reference to “Danger Zone”… you’re welcome. -ed) There is absolutely nothing worse than entering into a semi-binding legal agreement with another human being based purely on the fact that you don’t have the spine to crust their will to live by saying “No.”  So if this is the case, break it off now. In fact, be inventive.. break it off via a video of you doing someone else! “Look.. it’s just not wor.. wo.. oh my god.. worKING!!”

This post brought to you by the fact that I am a total prick…