Deviant Advice

I don’t know where to turn DA. I actually need serious advice (I know). Here’s my situation.

My father was out of my life for the better part of it. Now, he’s trying to get back into touch with me and it’s just making things worse. Thankfully, he doesn’t know where I live, so I try to dodge his phone calls and that sorta works. But I jusdt cave in and call him back. What do I do? Like I said, I need serious advice.

- MD, Penobscot

Honestly MD, we here at Deviant Advice pretty much keep it locked on the “Deviant” setting for all the obvious reasons. It’s a cornerstone of who we are. Yes, we wrap up the advice in a metric fuckton (I looked it up. It’s “shit-tonne” – ed) of snark, but we’re still pretty serious. Ok, so maybe we weren’t really advocating that the guy in “Rogaine Pills and Other Lies” kill himself, but the spirit is there. So yes. Our advice always comes with a complimentary serving of snark. It’s on the house.

Here’s our take on your situation. You don’t want to talk to him, obviously, so you just need to cut him off. Yes, there’s the whole “he’ll always be family and family is all you have,” but you’ve certainly made it through a pretty large portion of your life without him, so obviously family isn’t all you have. So call up the cell phone company and change your number as quickly as you can. Since he doesn’t know where you live, you can pretty much vanish on him with no real trace. Unfortunately, this also means you’re going to have to exercise some impressive crowd control on the remaining parts of your family that you do like and may also be in contact with him. And yes, you’re going to catch an impressive amount of hell for this decision, but that’s just all part of the process, so get used to it.

Of course, we’d be remiss if we didn’t at least tell you once “try and work it out with him, after all, he IS your father.” Honestly tho, screw it. He walked out on you, right? Of course, reacting out of spite really doesn’t accomplish anything, but who cares. It’ll make you feel better. Anyone who tells you otherwise is full of crap and you should stab them. Well, maybe not stab them, but maybe a stab-like motion.