Deviant Advice

Dear Deviant Advice.

HELP OMGLOL.

My roomate is a pretty good guy, but he wears short shorts. I mean, REALLY short fucking shorts. It’s like he wants to create a male camel toe or something. If he were gay, I’d be all “ok” cause that’s what gay dudes do. But he’s straight. What do I do?

- CE, Pasadena

Well. There is the time-honored tradition of shooting him directly in the junk with a high-powered rifle but that does seem to be a bit of an extreme solution. Although I have to admit, forming a male camel toe does seem to merit extreme reactions.

I’d also like to point out that the proper verbage there is “smuggling olives.”

Anywho. So you have few choices here. There’s the aforementioned (and ostensibly illegal) “Gun Method” and then there’s my personal favorite, eHumiliation.

You see, CE (clever. please stop -ed), your friend is sending you a message. That message is “I have no goddam clue what I’m doing, please help me.” It’s YOUR job as his roomate (and even moreso because you are his MALE roomate) to help cure him of this problem and humiliation will be your fastest path to clearing this up. After all, there’s more at stake here than just fashion. I mean, most women I know would see that, assume he’s gay, assume you’re gay, and suddenly you start being her best friend and, in general, acting out “I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry,” except it won’t end with you scoring the hot chick. Nono, you’ll end up with her wanting to hook you up with her really nice gay friend who weighs about 400 pounds, has a “great personality” and smells like a week-old sandwich. Goddamit Laura, I still hate you…

Uhm. Yes. So yeah, you need to take care of this so that YOUR prospects don’t dry up. My friend, you’re going to have to make his life miserable. Of course, there’s a plan for this.

Step 1) Get photographic proof of this horrible choice in leisure-wear. Now, this part is going to be tricky since you either have to have a decent zoom, or you’re going to have to get right up on his junk. Either way, God help you.

Step 2) Post the HELL out of that thing. MySpace, FaceBook, FriendFeed, Twitter, Forums, his Grandmother’s email address.. just get that thing out there to as many people as you can.

The ensuing wave of “Dude, are you gay?” or “Dude, are you high?” or “Duuude” will likely knock him out of whatever catatonic stupor he’s in and make him realize that he’s doing something that, well, really shouldn’t be done unless you weigh 85 pounds, have a vagina, or are that really annoying gay kid from that Chuck and Larry film. Don’t ge tme wrong, I’m not gay.. but that dude actually made short shorts look good.

I mean, you know, yeah.

Good luck!