Deviant Advice

Dear Deviant Advice,

Hipsters. Kill. Enough said?

-RF, Peabody

Well RF.. first off, we get a lot of ragey mail from the Northeast. Seriously, are you people that angry cause of the snow? It makes no damned sense.

Secondly, how the hell does Massachusetts even have Hipsters? Aren’t you all more like summer camp for Guidos? Anywho, who cares. Let’s get down to your email.

Hipsters? No. No one likes them one goddamned bit. They’re strange, stupid, and probably one of the dumbest fads to come across in freaking eons. The last time a trend came across that was this monumentally stupid was… uhm. You know, this is probably the dumbest shit ever. EVER. And let’s just take a walk through Hipsterland and observe, shall we?

1) PBR: Seriously? You all actually think that this gives you some sort of “working man” credibility? No. In fact, HELL NO. Oh wait.. I think it’s supposed to be ironic, right? Ok. Fail.

2) Skinny Jeans: the fact that you all wear these and have no noticeable bulge up front pretty much tells me you’re girls with too much testosterone, or think that David Bowie is some sort of fashion figure. In either case, you’re idiots and really need to grow an actual penis.

3) Band Tshirt: I know, they’re very obscure and only 4 guys in Japan know about them… and you. So tell me, if you’re wearing their t-shirt, what makes them think that they even deserve to have a shirt? Did you buy it from them personally? No? That’s what I thought. Obscurity doesn’t automatically mean quality. Bands STAY obscure for a reason and it’s called “an utter lack of fucking talent.”

4)  Plastic Sunglasses: if they make Kanye look like a douche…..

5) Not bathing for a month: honestly, what in the hell makes you jackasses think that greasy hair is awesome. Honestly, I think this is a defense mechanism because you know that, were you clean, people wouldn’t hesitate to beat you into a pile of pink goo. But it’s ok, I’ve got my hands on a HazMat suit, so bring on your best, I won’t care.

6) Messenger bag: let me guess… pack of smokes (generic or imported generic)… Moleskine notebook (to keep track of LiveJournal, Xanga, Friendster passwords)… iPod loaded with absolute shit for music… random food objects… book of poetry that you really don’t understand anyways (Ginsberg would have you murdered if he were still alive). That about right? Got it. By the way.. Timbuk bag? Thought so.

7) ..

You know, I really don’t have the energy to do this. I’m actually reaching a mouth-foaming rage. So, in conclusion, Hipsters really do need to die. I know it’s a hardline stance to take, but it really is for the better. After all, because of those assholes PBR now runs me almost $8 a sixer.. you jackasses.