Deviant Advice

Dear Deviant Advice

My daughter’s getting ready to go on her first date. What do you recommend for holding on my lap while meeting this young man? I was thinking a shotgun, but that seems so cliche. Any ideas?

- RC, Little Rock

You know RC, these are the times that truly try mens’ souls. We can only imagine the difficulty of this decision. However, we’re pretty sure it’s not really all that complex.

The truth is, you want more than some weapon on you.. you want a damned army up there. It’s not enough anymore to threaten them on your own, kids are growing up on shit like Grand Theft Auto and Doom, so they aren’t scared of one guy sitting on a porch with a shotgun that, coincidentally, is ineffective at close range since it’ll likely get you as well. Nope, not gonna do much. Now, when the kid sees you and 14 of your closest friends with various weapons (shotgun, rifle, sword, “Dianetics,” pistols), that’s going to leave quite the impression on the youngster and let him know you mean business.

Of course, that’s just the start of it. Once junior’s off your porch, your dear daughter (lovely tho she is) will waste no time in calming him down and assuring him that you and your friends are just joking. And of course you and your friends ARE just joking around. However, your old army buddy, the trained sniper, really ISN’T joking around and there’s nothing to reinforce that to junior quite like walking down the street and seeing a little red dot zip up his leg, hover at his crotch, then make its way to his heart. It’s a small way of stating that, even though you’re not there, you’re still there… or somewhere within at least 1000 yards.

Now. It’s pretty fun to actually consider committing what amounts to assault, but there’s another option. And that’s maybe just trying to have some faith in your daughter. It’s not unreasonable to think that, just maybe, you managed to instill in her some good values and she knows what kinds of boys to date. Further, she probably also knows how to fight the guy off in case he decides that “no” means “well, one more beer.” Your daughter is at a crucial juncture. This is where she lets go for just long enough to try flying without a net and this is where you simply let her go. Yes, it’s difficult there pumpkin, but she’s gonna be just fine. So why not use this opportunity to kick back, relax, and realize that no matter how big an army of friends you have, you really can’t defend against a sperm that’s a total of 5 microns long.

Why yes, they do still sell chastity belts… (NSFW)